I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize