She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
