my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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