She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
