and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
