Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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