If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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