Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
