I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
