I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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