Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
