Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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