Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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