Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize