I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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