God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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