I faked an abortion last night.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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