I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
