I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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