I am midnight drunk by noon
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
