There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
