You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
