I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
