dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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