3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
