Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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