If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Randomize
