sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
