I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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