Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I touched a dick in church today
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
