you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
