I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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