Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just pynch a tree in the face
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
