highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
