I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Randomize
