What a fucking waste of an outfit
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
