What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
