My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
