Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
