dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
