Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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