Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
