when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
