you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
