Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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