Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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