Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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