who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize