My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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