In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
