Just fell off a train. Bad.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
