They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
