I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
