Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
