"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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