I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
two words: eviction party
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
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