running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
