I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
