Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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