i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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